from the misc. file: Life Lessons Learned from Lisa Frank.

What inspires me today…

They still sell Lisa Frank school supplies.

For a kid who found that particular straight-out-of-the-tube-rainbow color scheme nauseating and over-stimulating, my thoughts on Lisa Frank come more out of confusion/bizarre respect than anything else. Walk down the school supply aisle of any Wal-mart or grocery store, and these overly bright scenes of purple/pink/green penguins and kittens embracing will still be there, burning corneas since 1979.

Here are the 5 lessons that I have learned from Lisa Frank:

1. Mythical Creature Facts

Unicorns can fly!

They can’t.

2. The truth about Cats and Dogs...

They love each other!

Yeah, kids, put your two golden retriever puppies in a rainbow hot air balloon with a newborn kitten. That situation definitely won’t end in tears.

But on the off chance it does, at least your cat will end up like this…

3. Bear Safety.

I bet you fed him too.

This is excusable because most people are probably unaware of basic polar bear facts, and might have never seen one in person, unless you have been to any zoo ever. I’m here to shed some light on this ignorance. Polar bears are one of the largest bears, with the males weighing in at over 1,000 pounds. Some useful suggestions for traveling in bear country include: “…a firearm is needed at all times in polar bear country…” “…it is required that visitors to polar bear territory stay in groups…” “…sharp claws allow polar bears to easily kill their prey and then rip it apart into small chunks to eat.” “…definitely pose a threat to humans who are alone and unaware.”

But she's just hugging a cute little cub...So nevermind.

5. Science

Rainbows are solid enough to walk on.

This will not only result in disappointment, but also potential danger for children.

Naming all of the disappointing parts of this poster will take a while, but I will try. Orcas eat seals, the polar ice caps are melting due to global warming and that bear is dead when it does, unicorns don’t exist, pandas can’t stand upright and paint, rainbows aren’t made of paint, you can’t dance on paint or rainbows, rabbits don’t dance, cats hate to be dressed up, all four dogs I’ve had hate the beach, babies usually look like their parent, all of these animals would never be able to survive in this bizarre climate, and the cheetah would eat any and all of those rainbow dancers.

NOTE: Lisa put her name on this twice.

5. Aaaand then there are these...