Effective Strategy.
I have scoured countless libraries and the entirety of the internet*, but to no avail. It has been months since the ad was placed on craigslist saying that the store I work at is hiring. Since then, floods of young people have made their way through, and all of them seem to have read the same handbook on how to ensure unemployment.
Since I could not obtain a copy of this wise and highly effective guide myself, I decided to streamline the process in order to make it easier for early retirement seekers everywhere.
Without further adieu, I bring you...
Katie's Guide to Keeping the US Unemployment Rate at 9.2%
1. Don't make eye contact
This tactic is simple, effective, and a little creepy. Your resume will just catch on fire.
2. Make too much eye contact
This one is a little tricky, perhaps for the more experienced. While charisma can help get you a job, too much can get you remembered for a more accurate and detailed account to the police sketch artist later.
3. Bring in your baby
Self-explanitory. The more colic the better.
4. Request a large hourly rate for a job you have absolutely no experience in
For the more adventurous, this ignorant AND insulting double-whammy will snub a job before even reading the description.
5. Neglect personal hygiene
This tells a potential employer, "Yeah, this is what I smell like when I am trying to impress you." Highly effective.
6. Bring in any strange pets or hobbies you have
It's a fact, all people love snakes.
7. Advertise your addictions
Displaying a cigarette behind your ear and/or reeking of smoke is a way to show not tell an employer that you will be taking frequent breaks on company time. Especially well used in a high-paced stressful work environment.
8. Talk loudly about the reasons you weren't hired at other similar stores
An obvious strategy that is often overlooked. However, when executed, 99% effective.
And remember... Being a badass is way cooler then a steady job.
BONUS TIP
I understand that many of you will be reading this in order to maintain a place on your parent's couch you have to at least look like you are making an effort towards employment. Key phrases like: "Curse this economy!!" and "Gosh, it is so competitive out there, PhD's are required now for what the GED used to get you!" can go a long way.
*You must be thinking, "but Katie! What about bookSTORES?!?" I assure you, I had that idea as well. However, when the construction barriers were removed from the storefront of both the Barnes & Noble and Borders in this town, moderately priced trendy clothing stores stood in their place. The thumping techno beats being played on the grand opening sounded more like a big "I told you so" from Ray Bradbury to me.
