I don't believe in peter pan, frankenstein or superman...

What inspires me today...

Summer jobs

It's that time again, a time where I always have too much time on my hands, and not enough money in them.  That is why I am a big fan of the SUMMER JOB.  Near impossible to get in this economy, where hardly anywhere wants to pay to train an employee for three months of work, I have managed to grab-bag a wide range of random jobs over the past few summers.

This is the tale of one of those jobs: 

It was the perfect plan.

It seemed completely ideal.
Make your own schedule, tell jokes, get some exercise, meet weird people, make money, wear whatever you want, ride a bike... What could go wrong!

Well, plenty.

When you decide one summer that you would like to drive the "Pedicab," a bicycle cab service, around Portland as employment, a few disappointments are awaiting you.

1. It is hard to ride up hills on a bicycle.
2. It is harder to ride up hills on a bicycle toting a small cab on the back.
3. It is near impossible to ride up hills on a bicycle toting a small cab with another human in it. 

4, 5, 6. No one called me Short Round.  I did not get to wear an old Yankees baseball cap.  I did not meet Dr. Jones.

When the only hours that make any real money are on Friday and Saturday between 11pm and 2am, when you hit all the hoppers and last-callers stumbling in and out of bars looking for some transportation, you know you're in for some trouble.  Also, it costs $30 bucks to take the cab out for the day, so the pressure is on to be awesome enough to make your money back and-then-some.  Also, it's hard to joke around when you can't breathe.  Also, the tire popped in training.  Also, when you're trained by a giant handlebar mustache-sporting man named Leemond, and meet another cabber named Cy who calls you every few months and leaves confusing messages about hanging out, it might not be the right fit.

Total days worked at Pedicab: 1

Moral of the story: Not worth it. Get a job at Jamba Juice or something.

You owe me that much...

What inspires me today: 

Craigslist

I am an avid Craigslister.  I have only posted once on the site, and generally go straight for job listings, bicycles, and the occasional apartment search, but recently I have loved sifting through the "Free" and "Barter" sections.  My favorite things I have seen are:

"clean out your garage and get a massage!" 

"Organic eggs and produce for beer liquor or wine" 

and I still don't know how to feel about a free hot tub.

Yes, that is a picture of a picture of a used hot tub.

 My new life goal is to have a skill that will give me enough pull in the Craigslist community to warrant the following statement:

"Here, Katie, take this adorable vintage scooter for free. I owe you that much."

I am also intrigued by the "Strictly Platonic" section.  Just regular people looking for best friends.  Casually.  Some are awesome enough to provide pictures of themselves, just lookin' for new best buds to share a brew and a good 'ol time.  

Actual Posting: "Mellow educated stable white man seeking female friend to enjoy what town has to offer. Meet and pursue a friendship?"

Needless to say, I hit them up and shared a glorious seafood dinner on the pier. Definitely not a set up to be murdered in a secluded cabin in the woods.

Smash Your Head

What inspires me today...

Mash-ups

Finally I have found a genre of music that doesn't limit me to contradict myself, or sound like a music schizophrenic.  Have you ever felt yourself torn at the thought of having to choose between Tears for Fears, The White Stripes, Wheatus, and Dre to fill the three point five minutes you have waiting for the bus?  Well, thanks to modern technology and some guys with keen musical ear but no talent for instruments, the mash-up has arrived. 

ARTISTS of NOTE:
GirlTalk

E-603

Super Mash Bro's

Norwegian Recycling

Some might think, hey wait, I have no musical talent, but I do have a lot of free time, a wide and diverse selection of music on my iTunes, as well as garage band pre-installed on my MacBook Pro... Can I become a mashup god?

No. 

These people have actually mastered seamlessly overlaying tracks with vocals, and let me tell you, I believe mixing Missy Elliot feat. Ludacris with Daft Punk to create something magical.  They also perform, and though all their music is free online, seeing them get all sweaty in their awkward hoodies to perform their masterpieces live is not. 

Ethics: Should they have to pay for the 20 seconds of sampled music, even if they don't charge for their CD's?  Is offering these artists' music online for free plagiarism?  Is this challenging the limits of public vs. private property and appropriation lines?  What is "original"?  If they were in music class, would they get and A for being badass, or a 0 for cheating?  Have you heard Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" next to Beyonce's "Halo"?

Moral: Is it worth it to live in a world where our children will believe that nirvana and n*sync can cooperate in perfect harmony?  That, my friends, is a world I want to live in.

Also, if you are further interested in the art/controversy that is mash-up, and you have 86 minutes to spare (which you probably do, since you're reading my blog...) watch RiP: A Remix Manifesto.

Home is when I'm alone with you.

What inspires me today...

Home.

Holey Moley, that's cute.

I think I would live in a tiny hat if I were a hermit crab. 

Little known facts: 

Hermit crabs will eat meatballs and grapes. 

They croak, and why is a scientific mystery.

They love to climb.

They are nocturnal. 

So stop underestimating them.

It's a strange feeling, not knowing exactly when you will be home again.  Luckily I know right where I left it.

But the Lows Are So Extreme...

What inspires me today...

Extremes.

Yes, exaggerating can be useful in making a point and can also yield mildly humorous results.  For example, "obsessed" is a great word that is too intense for most situations, so can be great when placed well and used inappropriately.  This leads me (and a few others) to wonder... Besides my vocabulary, that has the power to make people laugh/think I'm a pervert, what else lives in extremes?

And then a list was made:

1. Tuna fish.

 Mmmm, slap some mayo on that and make me a sandwich!

Tuna can be extreme in two different senses, hence why it is living a-top the list.  Some days you want it, and on those days there is nothing that can satisfy the craving for the fish most of us would not be able to identify if we saw alive.  Other days, the sight/smell makes you want to die.  EXTREME.  Also, tuna either comes in a can, floating in yellow water, or seared lightly in steak form for $34.99.

And apparently in jerky form as well... I don't know where that lies on the spectrum, but it counts.


2. Sweatpants.

 They look happy, don't they.

In my opinion, sweatpants should only exist in extremes.  Either you're in the tapered-at-the-ankle, figure-distorting, mistaken-for-rags with the decal mostly worn off, or Lululemon.  You don't wear those in-between weird sweatpants that might be shiny, or almostnotquite fitted.  We all know those are from the Gap, and for some reason it just doesn't work.  You're either going to workout/sit on the couch for 8 hours in them, or trying look "sporty" and devil-may-care when out with your friends, when really you do care.  A lot.

You're confusing everyone with those shiny red track pants you got in high school from your basketball team that still look brand new and make you walk funny.


3. Ugg Boots

Apparently, these are either worn in the cold with warm clothes/as slippers, or with a mini skirt/shorts.  Yes, they are comfortable, but I never really see them worn on a brisk fall day with jeans.  Dead of winter or heat of summer, that's when these sheep-lined beauties make their appearance.

And then there are the men who where them.  It's questionable, yes, but it says to the world; "Hey world, I'm wearing Uggs." and I can get behind that.

Yes please.

4. Jokes Lizzy tells. 

Exhibit A: "Minority Disney characters are very obviously underrepresented at Disneyland.  They're renovating 'It's A Small World'... maybe it'll become 'The New World.'"
*Laughter ensues at the hilarity of that statement*

Exhibit B: "Hey guys, want to see something funny?" *Pretends to hit face with door when really the banging noise came from her strategically placed foot.*

Yikes.

There are more things, umbrellas for example, but I'm going to go make a tuna sandwich.  And I can't think of anything to say about umbrellas.

All God's Children Got Shoes.

What inspires me today...

Super glue.

This always happens to my shoes:

my actual $4 shoe.

The destruction pictured above, or some variation of this, is how many of my shoes meet their tragic end (after a few more accidental days of wear).  Most of my shoes are vintage, or purchased for under $10, so one year of use generally ends in the same way: sole separating from body (very metaphysical).

My solution to this common and widespread problem?
Super glue.

80% of my shoes have been super glued at one point in time, adding 1 day to 1 year to their lifespan.  Guaranteed.  It practically pays for itself.  The trick with gluing shoes is timing.  Waiting long enough for the glue to get tacky, without letting it dry.  Trust me, with ample practice, you will get a hang of it. 

splurge and get the $2.99 "goof proof" grip.  I sure did.

"We are all superglue in the shoe of God." -Mother Teresa 

Some have said to me, "Hey, Katie, why don't you just buy better shoes, or ones that don't have a bottom that is going to fall apart and fill with holes when you walk on anything besides chinchilla fur because it is literally made of cloth and cardboard?"

To them I say: I generally just like shoes with poorly made soles, but can't afford Toms.

I know you are wondering, and the answer is yes; unfortunately, my Rite-Aid funstep slip-ons [pictured above] are beyond even the help of the amazing power of super glue, and will not live to walk another day.

Happy gluing everyone!

Life Lessons Learned from Lisa Frank.

What inspires me today…

They still sell Lisa Frank school supplies.

For a kid who found that particular straight-out-of-the-tube-rainbow color scheme nauseating and over-stimulating, my thoughts on Lisa Frank come more out of confusion/bizarre respect than anything else. Walk down the school supply aisle of any Wal-mart or grocery store, and these overly bright scenes of purple/pink/green penguins and kittens embracing will still be there, burning corneas since 1979.

Here are the 5 lessons that I have learned from Lisa Frank:

1. Mythical Creature Facts

Unicorns can fly!

They can’t. 

2. The truth about Cats and Dogs...

They love each other!

Yeah, kids, put your two golden retriever puppies in a rainbow hot air balloon with a newborn kitten.  That situation definitely won’t end in tears.

But on the off chance it does, at least your cat will end up like this…

3. Bear Safety. 

 I bet you fed him too.

This is excusable because most people are probably unaware of basic polar bear facts, and might have never seen one in person, unless you have been to any zoo ever.  I’m here to shed some light on this ignorance. Polar bears are one of the largest bears, with the males weighing in at over 1,000 pounds.  Some useful suggestions for traveling in bear country include: “…a firearm is needed at all times in polar bear country…” “…it is required that visitors to polar bear territory stay in groups…” “…sharp claws allow polar bears to easily kill their prey and then rip it apart into small chunks to eat.” “…definitely pose a threat to humans who are alone and unaware.”

But she's just hugging a cute little cub...So nevermind.

5. Science

Rainbows are solid enough to walk on. 

This will not only result in disappointment, but also potential danger for children.

Naming all of the disappointing parts of this poster will take a while, but I will try.  Orcas eat seals, the polar ice caps are melting due to global warming and that bear is dead when it does, unicorns don’t exist, pandas can’t stand upright and paint, rainbows aren’t made of paint, you can’t dance on paint or rainbows, rabbits don’t dance, cats hate to be dressed up, all four dogs I’ve had hate the beach, babies usually look like their parent, all of these animals would never be able to survive in this bizarre climate, and the cheetah would eat any and all of those rainbow dancers.

NOTE: Lisa put her name on this twice.

5. Aaaand then there are these...

(Rio Yanez)

If this isn’t the 7th sign of Apocalypse, I don’t know what is.

 Moral of the story: Everyone can be tricked if you use bright enough colors.