Riding in Cars with Facial Hair

What inspires me today...

Conspiracy theory

I know, I know, I haven't blogged in ages. I'm truly sorry, I was busy livingmylife, workingfulltime, postingunsellableitemsoncraigslist and gettingmarried. I know, no excuse.  I know what you are thinking. How am I ever going to redeem myself? (I know you are asking this in an irritated tone, but you keep reading because you are intrigued about what I will do to try, or somewhere deep down you still love me and want to give me a second chance. Either way...)  

My answer: by revealing an observation that has shaped the very way I see the world... Forever.

|| Observation ||

Drivers of classic cars are always (generally) white males over the age of 60 adorning a baseball hat and/or facial hair.

Look around, you'll see it. I know, it's a lot to take in. It's difficult to pull yourself together after your mind has been blown.. Hard to get your footing after such a paradigm shift..

"But Katie," you are stammering, trying to even remember how to formulate a cohesive sentence, "why does this matter?" 

Because, dear reader, it's something I knew but you didn't. And now you do. And that bonds us as friends. And your friendship means a lot to me.

|| Less significant observation ||  

Other people who wear baseball hats: 

• Baseball players
• Incognito celebrities 
• People who work at hot dog establishments
• President Obama

And with that, blog readers, I am back. 

The Jonah Hill of Dinner.

What inspires me today...

Unsung Heroes

It's Samwise Gamgee.

It's the Four Seasons.

It's Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland.
It's David Hyde Pierce. 

It's The Edge. 

We all know them.  We all are pretty sure we love them, though we may need to google them in order to conjure up their face or exactly where we know their oh-so-familiar-tip-of-the-tongue name from.

They are... Supportive Roles. 

Roles that exist only to make higher-paid others look better.
(Lets face it. None of you bought Simply Deep.)

What I have noticed while living out on my own in the big wide world of having to grocery shop AND cook for myself, there are some basic foods you never want to buy.  This is because they don't sound appealing on their own, may take over 8 minutes to prepare, and you figure they will just rot since you would never watch a TV show titled "Niles."

Why did this show ever end?

Unfortunately... these specific foods are generally necessary to make delicious food delicious.

With that, I give you:

Stupid Food That Only Exists to Make Other Food Look Good

Without onions, soup would be hot water and kale would be chewy lettuce. 

(alt. Ketchup. Catchup.)

Sir. You. Yes, you. With the novelty t-shirt.  You would not put ketchup on your ketchup.

I understand that some people may disagree with this one. But drinking milk without cereal or coffee involved gives me the creeps.

Unless you live in Forks, Washington (That was a dumb joke), are suffering from high blood pressure, or have the plague.

Employment Gainings

What inspires me today...
Effective Strategy.

I have scoured countless libraries and the entirety of the internet*, but to no avail.  It has been months since the ad was placed on craigslist saying that the store I work at is hiring.  Since then, floods of young people have made their way through, and all of them seem to have read the same handbook on how to ensure unemployment.

Since I could not obtain a copy of this wise and highly effective guide myself, I decided to streamline the process in order to make it easier for early retirement seekers everywhere.

Without further adieu, I bring you...

Katie's Guide to Keeping the US Unemployment Rate at 9.2%

1. Don't make eye contact

This tactic is simple, effective, and a little creepy.  Your resume will just catch on fire. 

2. Make too much eye contact

This one is a little tricky, perhaps for the more experienced.  While charisma can help get you a job, too much can get you remembered for a more accurate and detailed account to the police sketch artist later.  

3. Bring in your baby

Self-explanitory.  The more colic the better. 

4. Request a large hourly rate for a job you have absolutely no experience in

For the more adventurous, this ignorant AND insulting double-whammy will snub a job before even reading the description. 

5. Neglect personal hygiene 

This tells a potential employer, "Yeah, this is what I smell like when I am trying to impress you." Highly effective.

6. Bring in any strange pets or hobbies you have

It's a fact, all people love snakes. 

7. Advertise your addictions 

Displaying a cigarette behind your ear and/or reeking of smoke is a way to show not tell an employer that you will be taking frequent breaks on company time.  Especially well used in a high-paced stressful work environment. 

8. Talk loudly about the reasons you weren't hired at other similar stores

An obvious strategy that is often overlooked.  However, when executed, 99% effective. 

And remember... Being a badass is way cooler then a steady job. 

BONUS TIP

I understand that many of you will be reading this in order to maintain a place on your parent's couch you have to at least look like you are making an effort towards employment.  Key phrases like: "Curse this economy!!" and "Gosh, it is so competitive out there, PhD's are required now for what the GED used to get you!" can go a long way.

*You must be thinking, "but Katie! What about bookSTORES?!?" I assure you, I had that idea as well.  However, when the construction barriers were removed from the storefront of both the Barnes & Noble and Borders in this town, moderately priced trendy clothing stores stood in their place.  The thumping techno beats being played on the grand opening sounded more like a big "I told you so" from Ray Bradbury to me.  

A month and some change.

What inspires me today...

Legendary Fowl

Well, a lot has changed since I last connected with you, dear readers.  My hair is a month and a half longer, my bike light was stolen, and the speakers in my computer mysteriously went silent.  Yes, friends, big things are happening.

Unfortunately, a travesty occurred in our midst while I was away.  This took place during the awards given by the elusive "academy."

Receiving a little naked gold man named "Oscar" seems a wee bit anticlimactic.

Once I searched the depths of my soul for the reason I was feeling such disdain towards the adult equivalent of a Kindergarten gold star in the "imagination" grade, the problem lay not with the institution of the Academy Awards.  In fact, I generally enjoy watching them, even playing the scoring game and getting overly competitive with my family over best achievement in sound mixing (Waterworld was robbed in '95).  However, this year, a dark cloud passed ominously over the Oscars.  Or perhaps a shadow, cast by the wings of a large, night-stalking bird of prey...

 

'Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole' did not receive a single award.  No, the magical owls received nary a single nomination.  I understand that every movie nowadays is in 3D, and sharing a special effect with "Never Say Never" and "Gnomeo and Juliette"(don't even get me started about that one...) is not quite the bragging right most filmmakers would jump at, but this is OWLS in the THIRD DIMENSION we are talking about.  Owls.  In 3D.

 

To quote Karen Krizanovich of Radio Times: "So what if the owls' beaks look weird and there's a lot of death, slavery and brainwashing? This is a breathtakingly beautiful film for courageous kids who aren't afraid of heights." 

 

Unfortunately, I am one of those cowardly individuals who gets vertigo on a step ladder, not to mention car sickness from any sort of 3D animation, so I did not see Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole.  I have heard it referenced before, however, so I think I deserve an opinion on the matter.  If Randy Newman can win an Oscar, than I think Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole has earned its naked man for the length of title alone. 

 

And they speak English with perfect diction... Take THAT King's Speech.

 

Time After Time.

What inspires me today...

Time Savers

Hello Friends.  Unfortunately, I have not been able to blog diligently as of late, due to my life being filled with more interesting things, such as (but not limited to):

• annotated bibliographies
• calling my mom
• writing critiques of a book critiquing critics

Thankfully, there is a new youtube channel I have found which shares some helpful tips into living life, tips that will give me that extra three minutes I've been searching for in order to do half of that six-minute-abs video I've been dying to try.

Her name: Grace Fitzpattrick.
Her job: Expert Village kitchen (mostly sink) expert.

 

She has many useful and time-saving talents, such as: 

• Washing more than one utensil at a time
• Washing your dish right after you use it
• How to unclog a drain 
• Sock puppeteer and ventriloquism 

You cannot make this stuff up.

Siskel and Ebert

What inspires me today...

Holiday Cinema

Surprisingly, I have been behind lately in my holiday movie watching.  This is unfortunate, because I have become intrigued by many of the names I see on the marquees as I drive by on the way to stare once again at the Boarders gift section in hopes of some last minute gift inspiration.  I have not, in fact, watched previews or read reviews for anything in theaters recently, but I think I can guess the plot and rate them all pretty accurately due to my experience in movie watching and general judgmental attitudes.

So here it is, Katie's Judging-A-Movie-By-The-Cover:

Black Swan

A coming-of-age story about a young bird who thinks she is ugly growing up.  Finally, she befriends and old badger who helps her to realize that she is in actuality a swan who has been living among ducklings.  She goes off in search of her flock, only to realize that she is still ugly since swans are supposed to be white.
Grade: B+

True Grit 

Rick Sloane's camp horror twist on an old classic.  Alternative title -- Fried Green Tomatoes II: Ruth's Revenge
 Grade: A

 Country Strong

Micheal Moore has had a change of heart recently, making a series of mini docu-dramas highlighting the different sects of the United States military. He really delves into the collective soul of patriots everywhere to find the true meaning of the saying, "these colors don't run."

Grade: D-

TRON: Legacy 

A Daft Punk soundtrack that sounds straight out of 1982, 3-D groundbreaking special effects, nostalgic throwbacks to 80's geek-dom, and thrilling sequences that still fall short of reconciling the contrived plot and hopeless dialogue. (You caught me. I saw this one last night.)

Grade: C

Well, there you have it.  Obviously there's no Avitar in our near future, but I think there may be some gems.  I will update this once I have seen all of these movies for the sake of proper journalism, but then again, I probably won't.

Sears

What inspires me today...

  Pneumatic Melodies.

Yes, it is true.  After an entire semester, I have created the perfect playlist to pulse through your ear buds under correct ear protective coverings.  That's right, the Power Tools Playlist is complete.

You are thinking, "Wow, bold statement. What gives you the authority/audacity to claim such an unthinkable feat?" or "I could do better."
And to these skeptics I say, you're probably right, but I'd like to see you prove it.

Here it is, the Power Tools Playlist:

1.  Bachelorette - Bjork
2.  Man of Constant Sorrow - Bob Dylan (cover)
3. Dress Sexy at my Funeral - Smog
4. Sinaloan Milk Snake Song - Mountain Goats
5. Are You Swimming in Her Pools? - Swan Lake

Trust me,  this perfect blend of beautiful yet harsh-to-the-ear croons make turning a hunk of alabaster into a buffalo head to mount on your living room wall a breeze.  No one will accuse any of these artists of being necessarily "good" singers, but that is just the edge that will keep you going through the crucial sawing and grinding process.

Advice:
Don't listen to new Iron and Wine. You will cut your hand it's so awesome.
Don't listen to the Ting Tings either. They're terrible.